I sit down casually on my bed to read a page or two of ‘The Holiness of God’ by R.C. Sproul before I begin the day’s list of errands.
“We fear God because He is holy…He is too awesome. He makes difficult demands on us. He is the Mysterious Stranger who threatens our security. In His presence we quake and tremble. Meeting Him personally may be our greatest trauma..”
As I read these words, my hand that is holding the book begins to tremble. I just look at it, perplexed. I wonder if my mind is collaborating with my hand to play a trick on me, considering I had just read the words, “in His presence we quake and tremble”. But even as that thought crosses my mind, the trembling seems to slowly take over my body. Not a drastic body tremor…just an uncontrollable, soft, tremble. I close my eyes. My breathing is shallow. I search for Him.. I know He’s there. I want to cry out, “what is it, Father?”, but He won’t even allow me to speak. He silences me. I think about just days before, how He said to me through my devotional, ‘I meet you in the stillness of your soul.’ Only God could produce stillness so intense. I wait, staring into the black void until it becomes like a familiar, peaceful blanket surrounding me.
A single tear streams down the left side of my face until, finally- I hear a voice on my heart: “In ME you live and move and breathe”
The past few weeks have been painfully humbling in so many ways. For one thing, God has directed my prayers and led me to seek understanding of His great Mercy. He has gently been opening my eyes. He knows that I am slow to understand and listen, and of course, quick to speak. It makes so much sense that He would completely silence me. Most of the time when I seek Him with intentions to hear His voice, I am still talking. Why is it so hard to be still? I swear that it is the hardest task in the world. Maybe this western culture has aided in my corruption. Regardless, He gave me the words that brought me back to the very core of my being. I am from dust. HE put His breath in me. It is only by Him that I live and move and breathe.
I think of the words from a warrior in Christ, Gianna Jessen, when she boldly proclaimed:
“”Don’t you realize that you cannot make your own heart beat? Don’t you realize that all the power that you think you possess.. you really possess none of it! It is the MERCY of God that sustains you- even when you hate Him.”
Oh God.. I am nothing apart from You. I know it is by your great mercy that I am not utterly consumed; that You allow me to walk on this earth each day. That you allow me to take each new breath. I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve your goodness. Who am I that I should be the object of Your Mercy and Love?
Job 12:10 In his hand is the life of every living thing and the breath of all mankind.
Let my mouth be filled with Your praise.